Happy Hallowinter!

Today is not a couch day. Oh no. Today is a fetal-position-in-bed-all-day day.

Snow. Wind. Slush. Cold.

Turtlenecks. Turtlenecks. Hat. Sweater socks.

Listening to podcasts on a variety of mystics, misfits, and martyrs.

Headache. Go away computer screen.

Trick or treat...
or should I say slick or sleet!

et

"A New Day Has Come"

I'm having a Celine Dion moment. This song came out when I was in sixth grade. I loved singing along when I heard it on the radio in the car or in my room with tie-dye wallpaper on my slick silver boom-box (that I still have, haha).

"A New Day Has Come"

Celine Dion

The lyrics hold special meaning for me today:

"Hush, now

I see a light in the sky

Oh! IT'S ALMOST BLINDING ME!"

My pupils are the size of a pinhead. I sit in near-darkness most of the time if I'm not wearing my eye mask. Everything is too too too bright. Classic POTSie symptom. Silly parasympathetic nervous system!

Love friends and aunts and food and podcasts. The snow will start around 11pm tonight. Tomorrow will stink and be cold but we'll get through it. Be safe out there!

"I cannot talk. Celine Dion is here." -Michel

et

Brace for Impact

They're saying snow is in the forecast for tomorrow and Thursday (Halloween). Accumulation of up to 3 inches. Trick-or-treating hours in my town have officially been moved to Saturday afternoon in anticipation of the inclement weather.

My body is bracing for impact. Sometimes it feels like the systems of my body are shutting down, one after another. This morning everything was extremely blurry, even with my glasses on. Super dizzying and disorienting.

Listening to lots of podcasts. Eyes closed. Will maybe try to do some homework/ discussion board posts if my brain/eyes can handle it. Reminding myself to eat and drink and breathe. Looking forward to a friend visiting tonight and my aunt coming tomorrow around lunchtime.

Wish I had the mental energy to write something profound. Perhaps another day.

et

Sluggish Monday

I wake up feeling like I have already had the most exhausting day. I suspect my sleep is getting less and less restorative as this flare up goes on. I shuffle to the couch. I shuffle to the kitchen. I shuffle back to bed. My socks on the carpet get very staticky haha.

I feel like my arms are disconnecting from my shoulders. I feel the blood sluggish in my arms and hands. Sometimes I drink coffee at 5pm because I feel like I never really woke up.

Got the loveliest care package from my aunt, uncle, and cousins in Ewing, NJ! Y'all are so sweet and wonderful. Thank you.

People ask what I need. Today I discovered I have a very specific need. I have been spending quite a bit of time on the couch... and a seam on my couch has popped! Do I know anyone skilled in a little light upholstery mending?

I love podcasts. Kate Bowler is amazing and all of her guests are so enlightening and brave and inspiring.

Wishing you sleep that refreshes your body, mind, and spirit.

et

Sleeping At Last - Enneagram-Inspired Music

The hours kind of just...pass by. Each day rolls into the next. It's like living on my own planet. Glad I got to FaceTime with my 2 besties from undergrad today. We each live in a different time zone now. Trying to make some contact with the world on a regular basis.

I love The Liturgists podcast and their work with the Enneagram. Sleeping At Last teamed up with them to write songs of each Enneagram number. This song resonates with me deeply, as I am a One. I encourage you to explore the podcast (or any number of books about the Enneagram) and check out the songs that pertain to each type. Sleeping At Last creates such poetic works of art. Reminds me we are all capable of growth.

"I want to sing a song worth singing,"
emma

Forever Endeavor

Crushing pain today. Cramping legs. Vision things. Getting a lot of use out of my eye pillow/mask as I lie here and listen to music and reflect. Feels like there's menthol lotion all over my arms. It hurts but is also, like, refreshing? calming? Weird.

It's raining. I wish I had a catapult and 12 dozen eggs. Try to hit the cars as they drive by.

Lovely visit from SH this morning. Wish I had more energy. Mmm zucchini bread.

Gonna try my darnedest to get some schoolwork done later. Need to rest my eyes.

peace,
et

All the Hugs

Today was better than average in terms of pain, but pretty much spent glued to the couch. I've been bingeing the BBC series "Land Girls" about British women working on the countryside in World War II. I love the hats and coats. I would love to inject my wardrobe with inspiration from 1940s women's outerwear. So classy.

Today I found out that I HAVE THE MOST AMAZING FRIENDS. The C family came over to visit me and to hang out and give me lots of cuddles and food. It was so fun to hang out and color with D and E, who wore their Halloween costumes and looked quite snazzy as a cat and a tiger. My fridge and freezer are packed with chili cooked with superfoods and love by C and S. I am plumb tuckered out after our time together, but so deeply moved by the C family's generosity and kindness, and just their ability and willingness to be present in the midst of my feeling crummy. We laughed, we ate, colored, we pounced on furniture. Feeling very loved.

love & spoons,
emma

Exploring Options

I've scarcely left my apartment in a week, but today was the first day I've cried.

Screens and reading are difficult. Lots of headaches, dizziness, feeling like my eyes are crossing or seeing double. Today I sent an email to my bosses at work that the time has come for us to look into what it might look like for me to take a leave of absence. Just another loosening of my grip on control, on normalcy. Diving headfirst into the familiar unknown. I've been here before. Just not for a long while.

Leaning into discomfort. Stretching my muscles of introspection.

I am a human being.
Not a human doing.
Not a human planning.
I am a human.
I am not my illness.
I am not my illness.

I am not broken.
I am whole.

and wholly God's,
unafraid of tomorrow
for I am held
by the Source of
All
that is Good.


blessings, friends.
et

End Ableism

I'll make this short since my eyes are weary from lights and computers, and I still have another assignment to submit tonight.

Ableism is everywhere. It must be dismantled.

Internalized capitalism is everywhere. We must see it for what it is and change our attitudes towards people who appear "defective" or "unproductive."

I am tired.

That is all.

et

The Lamps Have Been Canonized!

Woke up with double vision, brain fog, and just all-around feeling out of it. No work for me. :( Went back to sleep for a couple hours, but throughout the day I had the same light sensitivity and fatigue as yesterday. I'm tempted to refer to all of the light fixtures in my house as "Saint" -- they each have a halo! Other visual disturbances confirmed my suspicion that I would not be driving today. Thank God for Peapod!

Watched (or listened to) several more episodes of Jeopardy! When in doubt, the answer is either What is Pygmalion? or What is the Bactrian (two-humped) camel?

Got to video chat with some friends at school who have brought Invisible Disability Awareness Week to our seminary! Learn about Spoon Theory below!

Thankful for all of the Spoon Collective's hard work over the last several months to make this happen, and to make visible the invisible. They have had a lot of students, staff, and faculty sign up already to be on the email list, wanting to become better allies to those of us who live with chronic illnesses and disabilities.

Salt. Water. Breathing. Ibuprofen. Ice packs. Tiger Balm. Spark. Doing what I can with what I've got. Gonna kick POTS in the patootie.

et

"Somehow I Manage" by Michael Scott

I think I should be promoted to Manager. It's what I do, after all. Manage symptoms. Manage expectations.

Managed to get out of bed this morning and work half the day (a little over 3 hours) before I felt a seizure coming on and headed home. Collapsed on the couch, eyes fluttering all over the place.

Everything is too bright. I wear sunglasses inside. I have my lights and laptop on the dimmest setting. I have a lavender-scented eye pillow mask that I freeze and wear over my eyes throughout the day when I can. I am very cold but also sweating a lot. My body feels very weak but my soul feels strong.

Got my cane today. Here's what she looks like:

Her name is Cleopatra, or "Patty" for short haha. She is beautiful and flexible. She helps make me more able and mobile. We are strong women, and we are not in "De-Nile." We face obstacles head on and are not ashamed to use assistance. 

Speaking of assistance, got an extension on a paper. Ordered groceries from Peapod that'll arrive tomorrow. Doing what I can. Not judging myself for things I can't. Gotta take care of me and conserve my spoons!

And if your spirit needs to soar today, here's a personal favorite figure skating program: Sasha Cohen to Celine Dion's "To Love You More" (2000). She is so expressive. Love it.

night!

et

My 29th Birthday: "Yes, and"

Sigh. It has been a day. I woke up with terrible coat-hanger pain - sharp pain across my shoulder blades and up through my neck. So fatigued. Hobbled to the couch and watched Jeopardy! with my eyes closed some of the time when things were too bright. Got a migraine. Listened to music. Listened to my church's worship service which was live-streamed on Facebook. (Thank you, church friends!) I was pretty sad I couldn't be with my community in general today, but especially because it's my birthday. Thankful they are praying for/with me!

My aunt and her significant other and my grandparents visited me and brought me brunch, which was a treat. They stayed a little over an hour, and while I was happy to see them, sitting up for the visit wiped me out. My muscles and joints are so fatigued that I can't be upright in any way for very long without support. I was telling my aunt last week, if I didn't have arm rests on my desk chair at work, I wouldn't be able to make it through the day. I am always having to prop myself up. After the visit today I needed to be strictly horizontal for at least a couple of hours. Hello, couch!

The most interesting part of my day, though, was a movie I watched in the afternoon. It's called Don't Think Twice, about a longstanding NYC improv troupe and some big changes they face. Having grown up in theatre classes and summer camps, the core beliefs and practices of this comical community were familiar to me, yet held new meaning in my present situation:

"Yes, and"

"Yes, and" means that whatever your scene partner creates and says to be real and true in your improv context, you "say yes" - you affirm it - and you add to it. For instance:

Person 1: Oh no, there's a snail on your face!
Person 2: Agh! Yes! And it's eating my eyes!
Person 3: Yes! They're out to blind us! And there's a whole infestation of them coming from those Spongebob merchandise vans!
Person 1: Yes! And I know how we can get rid of them. YO, GARY!
etc.

There are honestly almost no rules in improv except for "Yes, and." Partner and group dynamic are built upon this understanding, this promise, this trust that I will affirm what you do and I will not abandon what you are creating. Rather I will add to it, and take it to a new level, a higher expression, something only we can imagine, together.

These days, I feel like I am in an improv game with God. Or maybe it's just a handful of improv actor me's and God is the improv teacher or something. My natural reaction as a human when crappy things happen is to deny, withdraw, conceal. But God invites me to try "Yes, and":

I am in terrible pain.
Yes, and almost the entire day.
Yes, and I can't stand for very long.
Yes, and my world is changing.
Yes, and I'm scared.
Yes, and I am loved.
Yes, by God and multiple communities.
Yes, and I am not alone.
Yes, and I am blessed to have access to technology to be in contact with folks from all over, with and without chronic illness.
Yes, and I am using my gifts and my circumstances to create something new and bold and truthful to express the pain and fear and joys of my life.
Yes, and I find art. And music. And dance. And love. And grace. And God.
Yes, and
Yes, and
Yes, and

In the film, the actors have a ritual they perform before every show. Backstage, as the emcee begins to introduce the show, they tap each others' backs and look each other in the eye and say, "Got your back." "Got your back." "Got your back." They support one another. They believe in each other's vision and creativity and skill. And they will not leave one another hanging, or make one another look bad. Improv is commitment to the group, to the sketch. And I feel like God is constantly whispering to me, "Got your back." Things might get weird and bad but I am committed to you and to making meaning out of all this. Follow me.

The main sketch set-up the troupe begins a number of times throughout the movie is based on a question the emcee asks the audience: "Has anyone had a particularly hard day?" When they act out this difficult day, which may have been discouraging or even traumatic for the audience member who volunteered it, the actors take the day's events to a hyperbolic level, that by the end even the person who shared is laughing. Sometimes it takes that vulnerability of saying, hey, I had a really sucky day today, to find some slivers of hope or humor in it. That's what friends do. That's what God does. Reflection is about engaging with the past in a way that empowers us to imagine a braver tomorrow.

It's my birthday. It's been a hard day. But God and friends and family have got my back. And I've got yours too.

May my 29th year be one in which I proudly say, again and again, "Yes, and."

love
emma

Finding Myself in Limitation

My eyes have been fluttery most of the day. Pre-seizure-y episodes mean I ought not to drive or do anything strenuous. Body feels heavy and mostly useless. Ears and eyes sensitive at different times, meaning that when I woke up this morning, I listened to a 90 minute podcast with my eyes closed, whereas later in the day I watched muted TV with the subtitles on. My brain is just foggy and doesn't do well with too much stimulation.

Jeopardy! episodes are fun. I love PBS and PBS Digital Studios. I love The Liturgists podcast and think Hillary McBride is so wise and inspiring and well-spoken.

I set tiny goals for myself throughout the day. I am proud that, over the course of a couple hours, I broke down a bunch of boxes and took them out to the recycling. Now back on the couch.

My world feels like it is getting smaller rather quickly, and yet untold dimensions of my mind beckon. There's an amazing sort of freedom that comes with physical disability, time, and internet access. I don't like being sick, believe me, but I feel like God is inviting me to flip the script. Am I sad that I feel crummy? You bet. Will I let POTS have the last word? No way! This is time and space and opportunity for exploration of podcasts and movies and subjects that will add to the depth of my humanity, and in turn (I hope), the depth of the ministry God calls me to.

Missing the family gathering tonight because I feel super lousy and can't drive, but will see some folks tomorrow.

a horse named nugget,
et

Chicken Seizure Salad

Went to work this morning. Felt shaky. Had a seizure. [Dag frickin life.] Came home. Drank water and vitamins and inhaled all the saltiest food and lay on the couch with an ice pack and a hat and both remotes although sometimes it hurts to hold them. Did my breathing. Want to break things.

I find that I bounce between total denial of everything ("This is fine. I'm fine. Look, I get to watch TV and write and reorganize my candles and daydream, isn't this nice, I'm fine. It's fine.") and like emo screamo punk rock "THIS SUCKS!" Emma's Brain. Eleventh Floor: Relapse Department. East Wing: Grief, Grieving, and All the Feelings.

Tonight I am lying here missing two separate dear friends' birthday celebrations. They each also suffer from a chronic illness. They, more than anyone, understand. We have a shared language of spoonies, of symptoms, of horrible doctor visits. But my illness and the distance between us geographically are keeping me from being with my community. This is what disability looks like. Isolation.

Thank God for technology. I was going to write a paragraph on that but now I am suddenly exhausted and need to close my eyes.

Later, friends.
et

Shopping Spree

There's a movie on Netflix that I love, I've seen it several times now. It's called Wine Country (starring Amy Poehler, Maya Rudolph, Rachel Dratch, Tina Fey, and more), and it's about a group of gal pals who go to (you guessed it) Wine Country for a reunion. They've been friends since they all worked together at Antonio's Pizzeria in Chicago, in the '90s, an era dubbed "the pizza trenches." Now middle aged, their lives have changed significantly, and they've picked up the saying "Things we say now," comically highlighting how they need CPAP machines, regular mammograms, and help fixing a thrown-out back.

Things we say now.
Things I say now.

Over the last few days I have purchased several items for myself, in part because it is my 29th birthday in 3 days, and maybe I owe myself a treat! But more realistically, I'm purchasing these items because I need these things to support me. Physically. Medically. Chemically. Bodily. I'm sure I will be happy when my supplements and cane and colorful compression socks come in next week, as well as a much-needed new pair of glasses. But for right now I'm just sighing and nodding. On the edge of 29. All my "fun money" this month going toward medical-related purchases. Eh, such is life. Things we say now.

et

It was the Best (Buy) of times, it was the worst of times

Today I forced myself out of bed at 11am. I had been putting off a couple of important errands. I didn't feel great but I wanted to get up and get out.

I went to Best Buy to get an adapter for my new(ish) laptop. You don't realize how big of a store it is until you're unwell. Plenty of accessible parking open but I do not have a placard. I hobbled in from the parking lot and was directed toward the adapters, but there's like 15 different ones and I wanted to be sure I had the right one. So I waited (standing, unsupported) for about a minute and a half, for an employee to finish assisting another customer. In that amount of time, those 90 seconds, I can feel the oxygen not getting to my brain. I can feel the blood pooling in my feet, my stance unsteady. There's a woman in line behind me. How embarrassing would it be if I sat down right now? Or lay down? Coming here was a mistake-- luckily he finishes with the customer and I'm able to lean on the register while he confirms my selection and rings me up. I am feeling foggy and confused.

As I hobble out of the store and back to my car, heart racing, exhausted from my less-than-ten-minute excursion, I wonder if it's time to invest in a cane or walker.

And/or just stay home and shop online forever.

Everything hurts. Music makes things better. Maybe I'll post some tunes later on.

peace,
et

Brain Fog on a Log

I should rest. Work was tiring. After work I devoted myself to the Emma-shaped crater in my couch, and watched a movie called I Am Michael which is a good movie but a sad and disturbing true story, about a gay activist who becomes an anti-gay religious nut. It's scary to see internalized homophobia play out to such a destructive degree. Breaks my heart.

My brain is all kinds of fuzzy right now. Fuzzy like a bug... or mold... or something. Maybe a feather. Just really out of breath and twitchy eyes.

We are coming into the season of double socks and gloves and things.

mittens for your kittens,
emma

People I Mix Up, Part 1 of Many

Today's musical selection comes from My Fair Lady: "The pain, inflamed, falls mainly on the brain!"

Was able to go to work. There were two or three points throughout the day I considered going home early. Headaches, visual disturbances. Get it together, brain! By the end of the day my eyeballs felt about ready to pop out of my head. Errands were put off to tomorrow. To the couch!

I'd like to invite you into a very serious, very personal sort of post. Throughout my life, I have not had a great track record of distinguishing celebrities. And brain fog does not help my situation. So I am leaning into vulnerability for humor's sake: this is the start of a list of people I have, at one time or another, mixed up. Enjoy.

• Carol Channing / Carol Burnett
• Robert DeNiro / Danny DeVito
• David Bowie / Jon Bon Jovi
• Bon Jovi / Bono
• Jon Bon Jovi / Johnny Bravo
• Koch Brothers / Coen Brothers
• The Everly Brothers / The Isley Brothers / The Righteous Brothers
• Cat Stevens / whoever sings that song about the cats in the cradle and the silver spoon
• Neil Young / Neil Diamond
• Neil Diamond / Neil Simon
• Nina Simone / literally anyone named Nina or Simone 

I'm sure I will be adding to this list. I'd love to hear yours too.

brain cells for everyone! zzz
et

Grace Glides, in Life and Dance

I am not feeling well, but today has been good.

Went to church this morning. A dear friend gave her (amazing) testimony, in which chronic and acute illness play a part. Our pastor gave a powerful sermon to kick off our series on anti-racism and collective liberation. I sat for the songs. Grateful the theatre is set up with some accessible seats this season, minimizing the stairs I need to use to navigate the space.

Spiritual direction is always affirming and beneficial for reflecting and looking forward. Today was sparkly and wonderful. I love seeing how God is present even and especially when I seem to be "stuck."  Don't misunderstand me, I don't think my relapse is "from God." I do not believe POTS symptoms occur because God is trying to tell me something or least of all punish me. Bad things happen. Full stop. It sucks. Yet God is with us in it, suffering alongside. This episode of POTS stinks, but there are seeds of beauty planted here. In my suffering there lies an invitation to explore the depths of my humanity, and in so, to connect to that which is divine. I find so much healing, joy, peace, and self-expression in music, dance, comedy, and film.

I shared this dance on my Facebook, and I'll share it again here. This version is a cover by ortoPilot, but the original song is written by Rob Thomas, whose wife suffers from chronic Lyme disease.

"Her Diamonds" Dance - Miss Donna's School of Dance 

Choreographed by Jana Smith

The arts have always been such a huge part of my life. Watching dance in particular expands my soul and gives my heart freedom to dream of an existence beyond my current circumstances.

Need to lie back down. Wishing you grace that glides on blistered feet.

love,

emma

Well We Tried

Went to the retreat last night. My first time leaving the tri-county area in a year, since our fall retreat last October. Good to be with friends new and old, but I spent literally almost the entire time lying on the floor with my eyes closed. Just too much chest pain and weakness, too much brain fog to process what was going on. Came home after lunch today (1 day early). Missed exploration labs and (sigh) the annual group picture.

On the drive home I listened to a bunch of punk-pop-alt-grunge-rock (or something else semi-screamy and angry-sounding) and tried to process my frustration with everything. This stinkin' body I'm stuck with! This body I'm living in that's limiting me so much. I'm doing what I can to take care of you, you vile vehicle of my consciousness, and this is how you treat me? Break my heart, why don't you. I want the number for the complaint department. [1-800-SPLEEN ME? I know that number.]

In other news we had Lou's pizza for lunch at work yesterday and I realized what I really need most in the world is a T-shirt that says "Body by Malnati" haha.

Exhausted.

later days,
emma

Clouds Roll In

Today was ok. Spent most of the day lying down, resting up to take a shower and do small things that required standing. It's supposed to rain tonight and into tomorrow. It's almost midnight now and I am feeling it. Can't sleep.

I had to give up a show I had been enjoying on Netflix. Got too ridiculous and cringe-y. At a certain point, bad decisions and destructive patterns just aren't funny anymore. I am now in search of a show that is entertaining while featuring main characters are not overly dramatic, manipulative, and with no personal or professional boundaries to speak of. Might start by looking through cartoons and kid shows?

My Aunt Lauren got me a weighted blanket and ice packs. Both therapeutic. Feeling loved. Need some sleep.

zzz,
et

Wildflowers

Today's blogpost brought to you by the sunlight streaming through the window, the sound of the Wailin' Jennys singing and strumming on my Pandora, and the sweet scent of a Maple Pumpkin candle burning close by.

Today has been up and down, but the ups have been great! Opened all the mail! Did all the dishes! Vacuumed etc! I have to lie down between these exertions of energy, but I'm so proud to say for the first time in probably weeks there is nothing on the counter or in the sink waiting to be washed.

Last night I watched a very good movie called Carrie Pilby, about a 19-year-old Harvard graduate who begins to re-examine her ethics and standards for relationships. Especially enjoyable because it takes place in NYC around Christmastime. And quite relevant to me personally because  in my online class we just learned about Hume's approach to ethics, that he finds morality in human sentiment (feeling, compassion, empathy) rather than some kind of born-in rational nature of humanity. Reason is a slave to the passions! So long, Plato and Aristotle. Welcome to Modern Ethics. :)

Might ride the bike again tonight if I have energy after my online lecture.

Hoping to go to my campus ministry's (The Inclusive Collective) retreat at Wesley Woods this weekend. Expecting some major weather shifts over the next couple days. Prayers and good vibes appreciated that my body behaves and I can go (along with others in our group who have chronic illnesses).

"You belong somewhere you feel free"
love,
emma

Brighter Day

Today was a good day? Or at least a not-bad day?

Went to work and felt fine for most of the day, except for everything seeming intensely bright and feeling vertigo/pre-seizure for 10 minutes or so after lunch. After work I had some energy left, so I rode my stationary bike for 40 minutes! Wow! Like, on the lowest setting, but it was great. My joints are regretting it a little now, but I'm trying to make very intentional healthy choices when I'm able. Trying to eat a lot of superfoods. Take my vitamins. Get exercise, sunshine, social time. Do my breathing. I remember how much hard work it was to get through my years of POTS (2008-2012) and my relapse in 2014-15 when my mom was in hospice. Exercise can be tough and even dangerous at times, but I'm stronger when I do it. And today was a good day. So I did it. :)

Now to watch a lecture on modern and postmodern ethics! While lying down because I am spent.

hume hume pow,
et

I Am Resilient

I just discovered an amazing artist called Rising Appalachia. Their song "Harmonize" is deeply moving. Moving in that it makes me want to grow. Moving in that it makes me want to dance. I also love their song "Resilient" and this rendition by a women's choir in Santa Cruz:

These lyrics speak to me:

These times are poignant
The winds have shifted
It's all we can do
To stay uplifted

Just taking one day as it comes. Counting my blessings and trying not to get stuck in the quicksand of defeatism.

Today overall has been a decent day. Was able to go to work, go grocery shopping, go for a short walk. I am not terribly comfortable, but I'm not in excruciating pain like last week. The weather makes such a difference. 

Still, I face reality. A month ago I was talking about going to Costa Rica for Thanksgiving. At this point, that's out of the question. Maybe next year. Another time, child.

I am resilient
I trust the movement

and perhaps the stillness.

may grace and peace be yours, friends.
emma

Thank You For Being A Friend

Grateful for Cranmers, Betsy, and Karen V.

As challenging as it can be to get out of bed, as often as I am fighting back seizure-y symptoms, being face-to-face with friends gives me so much hope and so much life. It's so frequently worth the physical symptoms I have later, to be with people I love. I had been out of the house for four hours today, and now am collapsed on the couch. Will need to get plenty of rest to make it to church tomorrow. Pay to play. #chronicillnesslyfe

Ok, enough screen time. G'night, Golden Girls!

love,
emma

Candles on a Whim

Squishy heart. Nose is numb. Some blurry vision/visual disturbances. A little short of breath.

I have set up my spot on the couch with all my necessities: giant glass of water. salt shaker. shimmery lip balm (what? I can look fabulous while I feel crummy!). hand cream. tiger balm. ibuprofen. phone. laptop. remotes for TV and roku. pillows. blankets. kleenex. journal. extra socks. sometimes the cat. but usually not the cat. meow.

I rested up to get my hair cut this afternoon. Went next door to Pier 1, mostly for the sparkle, free smells, and the promise of some more human interaction. Strolling through the store I was confronted by this mug. A mugshot!


I felt personally attacked. (haha). Then I realized how exhausted I was and came home and crashed on the couch. Ate dinner. Did homework. Inspired by my earlier adventure, I reorganized my candle collection into highly specific categories like "Trees"... "Reminiscent of a Body of Water"... and of course "Desserts I Can't Actually Eat But Nevertheless Seek To Enjoy, Dammit!"

Hope you find something today to make you laugh.

aromatherapy,
et

The World's Greatest (Dental Patient)

Slept 12 hours last night. Ice on chest, for pain/palpitations. Rested up to go to my dentist appointment. My hygienist and dentist say I am the best patient. I love that. I can't control my physical health, but my dental health is outstanding! Cue "My Shiny Teeth and Me"!

I feel called to ministry, particularly ministering with survivors of trauma. As part of my discernment and "research" (if you will), I've been watching a number of documentaries on different topics. Right now I'm watching "Surviving R. Kelly" - the miniseries on the R&B artist and the ongoing, decades-long accusations of his sexual misconduct and abuse of minors. Predatory behavior is disturbing whenever and wherever it occurs, certainly. But I'm deeply bothered by (1) the silence of men in R. Kelly's circles, over a period of many years of very obvious abuse, and (2) the popular "inspirational" image of R. Kelly in songs like "I Believe I Can Fly" and how people denied that a man who could make such a "good" song could be guilty of such despicable crimes like child pornography. Scary too that so many of his victims were/are in Chicago. Too close to home.

I look back and am conflicted over my 6th grade choir's choice, in 2002, to sing R. Kelly's hit "The World's Greatest" for our spring concert. The day camp I worked at (and assisted with leadership of music and dance for) frequently used this song for our all-camp assemblies... in 2006! I hadn't been following the news and allegations surrounding him at that time. But knowing what I know now, we should have picked another song. His behavior was and is shocking and disgusting. I'm proud of the #metoo movement and how successful the campaign has been to #muteRKelly over the last year or two. We need to create a culture where crimes against women are truly unacceptable and justice is served.

One of the symptoms of POTS is dry eyes. Whenever I notice that I need my eyedrops, I dramatically sing "Look, my eyes are dryyyyyy...." from A Chorus Line's "What I Did For Love." Josh Groban videos are pretty schmaltzy, but he has a nice voice. It's as if we aaaaalwaaays kneeeeeew!

Well, time to hit the hay.

Kiss today goodbye!
et

Take a Buzzsaw To My Elbow, Please

I was able to go to work today (yay). With increasing joint pain (boo).

By the end of the day, after writing, typing, answering phones and just being a living human, my right hand and right forearm felt like they were on fire. If I had looked down at the end of my sleeve and spied my sweater was singed, I would not have been surprised in the least. It's a strange pain that I can't really describe. It talks to me. It wants to have a name, like an exotic cologne you could never forget. Burn. Hiss. Turmoil. Havoc. Or like a biblical character or experience. Israel. A wrestling that will leave me marked, and with a new name. Rend.

Today is October 1. Fall is just beginning. I am a person who lives with great hope and still am grounded in reality. I expect my symptoms will continue to worsen as the seasons change and the barometric pressure falls. I was grateful today that my commute home from work is very short. Gripping the steering wheel with my right hand was not going to happen without dunking my arm in my special cologne. Obstruct. 

I do not want to leave my job.

Back to the couch. Looking forward to reviewing lots of shows and movies on Netflix. Think I'm gonna ice my arm now.

peace,
et