Sunday, December 28, 2014

"Fixer Upper" / Frozen Soundtrack

The anticipation hurts. Everything hurts.

A few guidelines for the upcoming weeks:
1) Don't drop by unannounced. It's rude.
2) Flowers die. Dead flowers are depressing and they smell. Please, no more flowers.
3) If you feel you must send something other than a card, send candles or tea. Candles give light. They make me think of my mom. Tea warms me up. Makes me think of my mom.

Tomorrow my sister and I are donating a bunch of my mom's clothes to a women's shelter and to Goodwill. We know her legacy will live on as women go to interviews in suits she used to wear. I pray they will know her confidence and strength.

I miss her already. I've missed her for a long time already.

I love you, Mom. I'm bringing more of our favorite books to read to you tomorrow. I know you can hear us. I know you'll always be with us.


Saturday, December 20, 2014

"Drifting" / plumb

We are very near the end. Not ready to write about it on here.

Very thankful for friends and family who show up and act on their willingness to lend a hand. It's messy stuff, grief. Special are those who follow through on good intentions.

My mom loves all of you, all of the POTSies, all of the friends we've made along the way. I pray she watches over all of us while we fight for recovery (again).


p.s. this is an excellent song

Monday, December 8, 2014

"Everywhere" / Michelle Branch

Well it's 12:30am over here. Time for my daily dose of gummy bears. But no! Today will be different! So instead of eating a crap-ton of candy, I ate a crap-ton of celery! And then some pizza. I will regret that in about five minutes.

It is very hard to fall asleep. I don't want to talk about it. I'll just make myself cry.

So instead of lying in bed all weepy and pathetic, I lie on the couch and watch Cheers on Netflix. It's so silly, but because it takes place almost entirely in a public space (the Cheers bar), I feel like I'm "out" with people. I can let myself "get away" for a few episodes in the wee hours. Cheers is open til 2am, so I'm in good company!

Saturday was a really good day, that is, good after 2pm, which is when I got up "for real." I typically get up at 5am (feed the pets, wander around the house) then again at 9am (eat breakfast, stare at the wall) and go back to sleep. Anyway, once I was awake for real, I had a lot of energy and did 4 or 5 loads of laundry, cleaned out the fridge, matched up the orphan socks, did some light cooking, and made like 12 lists of things to do when I have energy like this again.

Sunday I was very tired and sore, but very proud of all I'd done and grateful for a good day.

I feel like I should write something about my mom, but I'm tired of crying. It's just not fair.

Well, my fictitious bar is calling my name!



Friday, December 5, 2014

"Cold Feet" - Tracy Chapman

I wear two pairs of socks and a pair of slippers at all times. I have cold feet. My circulation is a joke.

Yesterday I ran an errand. It was a big deal. Then I came home and slept for three hours.

Today I took a shower. Hope to visit my mom later on tonight. Resting in between exertion. Thinking seriously about OD-ing on dumb Christmas movies. I've seen four already I think. At the end, they always kiss right when it starts snowing! Awwwww. Haha.

I want my mom at home. I don't know if that will happen or if it's even possible, but I want her here, where I can snuggle up with her all the time, not just every-other day. :-(

Hope your toes are warmer than mine.


Tuesday, December 2, 2014

"Higher Love" / Steve Winwood

Today I got dressed. It was a big deal.

Spent most of the day in my pajamas doing some serious resting or shaking uncontrollably. It was scary. My brother is the best and sat with me for over an hour. Got up the determination to visit my mom (since I hadn't seen her since Sunday night). Lasted 45 minutes before I motioned that I needed to be lying down again. But it is truly the highlight of my day to be with my mom, to walk down the hall at hospice with her and "Skippy" (our name for the wheely pole with her pump), making sure we don't forget Skippy because he's our good buddy! And we don't want the tube to yank us. We ate dinner by the fire. I want so desperately to be able-bodied. Trying to see the silver lining here. I'm forced to take care of myself and not take on too much responsibility? Sigh.

Not getting enough oxygen to my brain makes me pretty goofy. So I make up the words to 80s songs in the car!