I am not proud of the title of this post, but it's what I'm listening to today. A catchy, upbeat tune about how life is just plain unfair sometimes! More seizures today, and fatigue. Sitting up in front of the computer to Skype with my doc for 60 minutes was so taxing-- I had two seizures during the session! UGH. Not fun.
In a nutshell, Dr. K has advised me to relax, think positive, and get back to the rigorous training I did when I was in Dallas two years ago. "Act as though you are here with us," she said, emphasizing that I should be doing my training for at least 2-3 hours a day.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I mean, I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna grit my teeth and breathe for hours until I get lightheaded and then do my stupid exercises to fight the lightheadedness. I'm gonna drink the stinkin' coconut water and take the freakin' Himalayan salt tablets. I'm even going to wiggle my arms and legs -- yes, wiggle -- when I feel a seizure coming on so the blood moves around my extremities and yada yada yada. Don't get me wrong, I will do all this junk. I will conquer the beast AGAIN. But I am just really, really, truly pissed off and so super cranky that HOW COULD THIS HAVE HAPPENED AGAIN. uggghhhh!!!!
In so few words, Dr. K thinks my relapse may be due to the "traumatic events" of my mom entering hospice (and all the related stuff that surrounds it) and my (temporarily) dropping school. That makes some sense to me, but what really boosts my anxiety is the idea that any event that is "traumatic" enough could trigger POTS in me again. Not that Dr. K said that or anything, but still. I'm living it right now. Siiiighhhh.
So I might punch a pillow or cry myself to sleep tonight, but it will be while I do my STINKIN' breathing! And I will award myself sparkly stickers. Because this garbage just sucks.
I hate you, POTS. Prepare to die. AGAIN.
emma
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