Merry Christmas!

Hello and ho ho ho. I am doing well!

I worked my full 30 hours last week! I haven't had to use my cane in 6 days! I'm not perfect, but I'm doing SO much better than before. Greatest Christmas present is my (relative) health. Praying and knocking on wood that it will last!

Hard to believe we're entering a new decade in just a matter of days. To the '20s!

et

Thirst

I am doing ok. Been able to go to work the last couple days, but still struggling with screens and lights being very bright at times. Just trying to take regular breaks and rest my eyes during my evenings/weekends too.

The thing about POTS is that it comes with a whole host of weird symptoms that may change over time. In the last few days I've developed an unspeakable, insatiable thirst. It doesn't matter how many glasses of water I chug, how many cups of coffee or juice or tea or whatever - I am perpetually thirsty. I will wake up in the middle of the night completely parched. And so I drink and drink and drink (and pee and pee)...

I'm trying to think of a metaphor for this strange symptom. It's just totally consuming. I think my brain is sounding the alarm like around the clock that I'm dangerously dehydrated. It doesn't make sense to me.

I am tired and, surprise, thirsty. Good night.

Later days!
et

"Crushin' It"

I did it! I made it to the weekend! My legs are like jelly! I am sore but happy!

I am excited because holiday decorations are up in my office. Feeling festive. I even found some cute window clings (in the depths of the supply closet) to put on our cubicles! Good cheer all around.

Due to some changes in staffing, I finally had the opportunity to move back to a desk in the ops hub after being the lone operations person stationed in the accounting department for the last 6-8 months. In ops I'm back surrounded by the people I work most closely with, including my department (customer service) and my bosses. One of my supervisors loves to ask how people are doing, and if they say they're doing well, he immediately follows up with, "Oh yeah? Crushin' it?!"

I look a bit different than I did 2 months ago when I began my leave of absence. I use a cane most of the time. I've put on some weight. Apparently my face and neck look puffy, as one co-worker told me when she asked if I was on steroids. (Adding to the list of things not to say to people!) But when my supervisor asked me today how I was doing, I immediately said I was crushin' it. I have gotten off the couch every day for the last 5 days in a row. That is good news indeed!

And now I will rest, rest, rest.

mittens!
et

Back at Work!

Saturday - good day
Sunday - didn't sleep. bad day.
Monday - ok day. Prayerfully decided it was time to give it a try to see if I could return to work.
Tuesday - First day back after being on leave for almost 2 months. Worked 3 hrs. Sore, eyes tired, but happy to be around people again! Hopeful.
Wednesday (today) - worked 5 hrs. I literally come home and crash on the couch with music and an eye pillow since I've been looking at bright screens all day. But I think I can make this work.

Will work 5 hrs/day for the remainder of the week and then return to my normal 30 hrs/wk (6 hrs/day M-F) beginning Monday. I'm exhausted just thinking about it. But with classes being done til February, I know I need to get off the couch if I can. Challenge myself to get stronger. Nights and weekends will be for resting my body, my mind, my eyes, my aching hands. I'm very blessed and grateful that my work is so close to where I live, so I don't have to worry about a long commute.

We'll see how I handle this week. I would love to be able to go back to church soon but am not holding my breath either (since it is at least 35 min drive one way on Sundays).

penguins dancing with candy canes,
et

The Semester Is Ended!

Last paper has been turned in. Online classes finito. Hallelujah, amen.

I want to go back to work asap. Not sure if that's in the cards for me. Vision issues Thursday and Friday, and fatigue, and and and.

But today (Saturday) has been a good day! I cleaned the house! I sat up for much of the time I took for breaks between chores. Hooray! I am fantasizing about being well enough to go to church tomorrow? And/or work next week? We'll see how I feel tomorrow. Please please please. I haven't had a face-to-face interaction since... Monday? Good grief.

I love The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel. The dialogue is so fast (not surprising, from the creators of Gilmore Girls) that the closed captions can't keep up! Hysterical. I hope to watch all of the new season tomorrow. The costumes are gorgeous. The coats! The hats! Stunning.

"Thank you, and good night!"
et

Justifying Existence

I finished listening to Rev. Sarah Heath's yearlong podcast called Sonderlust. I think the overarching theme she and her guests keep coming back to is this desperate need to justify your existence in the world. We are so conditioned to think we need to be a certain status or do a certain thing or achieve or own whatever in order to earn, what, permission? to be alive. To take up space.

My hands are achy and burning. Maybe I'll add on to this later.

Women are people.
Pastors are people.
Chronically ill people are people.

Ok ow.

Peace,
emma

You Are The Source Of My Strength

Betcha thought this was gonna be a religious post. :)

God/Jesus/Holy Spirit... y'all are fab and I love you a bunch.

But today I realized that the source of my strength when I am having a terrible, awful, no-good-very-bad-day is none other than sweet, sweet internet access. My entire town, or so I'm told, had no internet for over 12 hours today. Some also had no TV or power at all.

No Netflix. None of my other streaming services on my TV.
No email.
No podcasts.
No YouTube.
No access to Moodle (my seminary's online server).
No music on Pandora or Spotify.
No Facebook.
No GoogleDocs.

Cut off from practically everything I rely on every day. And I hadn't seen or spoken to another human in 48 hours.

After only a couple of hours of feeling lousy and having nothing to take my mind off the pain, I feared I was descending into madness (haha). Luckily I was able to use my iPhone's hotspot feature to listen to podcasts...although I wonder how much data that ate up!

It's funny and maybe a bit frightening how dependent we are (or at least I am) on technology, particularly the internet. I'm so grateful for the folks who repaired everything, and grateful that most days I have fast, reliable internet that connects me to the world.

I am exhausted and hoping tomorrow is a better day.

love,
et

Rev. Sarah Heath & Sonderlust

Today it snowed/rained/was gross. I felt terrible. Stayed in bed until almost 3 pm. Sucks.

But I came across this amazing podcast called Sonderlust by Rev. Sarah Heath. She's a lead pastor and church planter in the United Methodist Church (in Southern California)... and a successful author, speaker, and designer... and in her late 30's, never been married, never had kids. And she goes through 52 weeks of trying to overcome sonderlust (the realization that everyone is living different, exciting lives and wishing you lived a life other than your own) and ultimately find happiness. Her best friend challenges her in a few different areas of her life, and she records the highs and lows of this quest for peace.

She has all these amazing guests on to talk about all kinds of things. My favorite episode thus far was Rev. Sarah talking with another 30-something female pastor about the unique and kind of awful situation single clergywomen face when it comes to dating. One of them shared that her would-be-fiancee backed out of proposing (even after asking her parents and friends for their blessing!) because he "just didn't want to be the pastor's husband." Ay karumba!

I think the message that I'm hearing throughout all of Rev. Sarah's journey is that ministry can be terribly isolating and lonely. She's combating a lot of self-doubt as she discusses what it's like to be a "public figure" while clinging to her non-church friends, her BFF's, who, of course, are all married. I went to a meal a couple months ago with some friends and realized when I arrived that I was the "9th wheel" - everyone else brought their spouse/fiancee/significant other. Don't get me wrong, I love them all and am grateful to be in relationship with people in all stages of life. And I'm happily single. But I feel Rev. Sarah's frustration with the clergy/dating combo resonate with me deeply. I am so relieved and comforted that there are other women who are in a similar circumstance. I texted a seminary friend of mine, we should all just get together and have amazing girls' weekends. Kindred spirits across the Methodist connection.

In other news Twixie has discovered chasing her tail. Maybe next time she does it I'll try to record it. :)

peace,
emma