Last night I slept nine solid hours. Got up. Had breakfast. Mom was in pain and took 7 Dilaudid. I went back to sleep, feeling defeated. Slept 3 more hours. This is pretty typical. I am hurting. I am grieving.
My birthday was last week. I'm 24. I feel suddenly much older and that much more out of place, living at home still. I know God is using every little bit of stress and anger and frustration to train me up for ministry, but Really? Do we have to go through this again? Wasn't POTS enough??
In the afternoon Mom had some more breakthrough pain and was short of breath. It really scared me at the time, but now she's talking on the phone, so some improvement there. We watched a very funny episode of Modern Family, centering around new neighbors that appear most unpleasant. I feel like grief has moved in all around. Trying to be more intentional about immersing myself in fiction or movies, give myself more opportunities for narrative, more outlets. Doing a good job leaving the house at least once a day. Today I found a beautiful journal on the clearance table for $2! That and my hot pink gel pen will provide a great outlet too.
Got a good chunk of work done today. Lots of outings coming up. Looking forward to that.
Now it's 7:45pm. Time to go back to sleep.
zzz,
et
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