Kildare, Ireland

TV recommendations:

• Secret Millionaire Undercover, a millionaire volunteers beside unsung heroes.
• Who Do You Think You Are? Celebrities learn about their ancestral roots.

I'm doing all right, taking care of myself. The diet rec's plus Biotene are helping. I'm struggling muscularly. Deconditioning = bad. Reconditioning = really hard. Planning to get back to my pool workouts soon.

Emotionally, this thing ain't no fun. Last week I had a couple hours every day where I'd just go numb. Like curling up into nothing and trying to escape. I say this a lot, but it's true: I have no sense of how much time has passed. Then I'll get an email: "Registration Information for Fall 2011." Oh my heavens. Is that what year it is? 2011. Many of my friends are graduating this spring. In May. That's in two months. How much is two months. Eight. Eight what? Eight SMTWTFS pill packs.

The sound of my pharmacist's voice is familiar, is comforting. He's the only one who calls me Miss Trevor.

One day I will teach.

I know what it's like to be lonely, to feel invisible, to feel disgracefully visible. Spinning in circles on the treasure map, up to my knees in white-sand-turned-gravel. What? What did I-- I will move on from this, right? The lows are low. But my life holds meaning. My gifts are special. My existence is important.


Small. Keeping strong.
emma