I want you to know that I am at peace. Joy lives in my heart and I am surrounded by calm. Secure, mellow, content, assured. I have never felt so open in my life. I am at peace.
So please do not be sad or afraid when I tell you my POTS is back. Ten days ago, fatigue set in. Then tremors, loss of taste/smell, mild heart palpitations, inability to read for any extended amount of time, etc. Healthy to POTSy in 24 hours. Why now? A medical professional's best guess would be that a bug I'd been fighting for a couple weeks triggered something. Or it could be that God is awesome and having me face my demons again, to prove what I've learned.
Either way, I'm barely functioning. Freak out? Nah, no prob. Just make a few calls: quit my job, drop my classes, cancel the leadership retreat, and let go of that nasty "planning" habit. Check. Done. No guilt, no anxiety. Simplify. Shrug. Love yourself more. Value your health -- physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. Seek peace. Seek balance.
I don't feel defeated because, well, I'm not. This is my next challenge, the one that pushes me back out of my comfort zone again, out of the driver's seat and back to bed. Back to sibling talks and hours meditating and long nights, such as this, when I can't sleep, and am so grateful for silence.
My mood is serene, blissful, expectant, courageous. I can't control anyone's feelings but my own, yet may I make a suggestion? Do not worry on my behalf. Do not grieve the semester's "failure." Do not get your undies in a bundle over some conundrum that, to me, scarcely exists! I am adapting. I have faith. I am not afraid. I will be fine.
Besides, it's high time I compose the school anthem for the Emma Trevor Institute of Thought and Design. Jolly good tune, you'll see. :-)
emma
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Cheryl lifted you up at WBS today, and then I came home instantly to check your blog. Unbelievable. Your attitude, that is. Okay, and the return of POTS. The chapter we just read totally ties in to your post. I may scan it and send it to you. Prayers are coming your way from lots of ezers (women warriors), including me. Hugs to you!
ReplyDeleteThank you, ezers! Kary, you're so wonderful.
ReplyDeleteHi Emma,
ReplyDeleteWhen your father told the Men's group about the return of your POTS symptoms my heart fell. When I read your blog post my heart was lifted by your strength. You are inspiring! I would love to get together to talk with you about your experience and especially your spirit. Let me know if you are up to talking some time.
Peace,
Pastor Brian
Hi Pastor Brian! Thank you so much for your comment. I'm hoping to be at the Lenten dinner and service this week. I'd love to talk then. :)
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