Sunday, April 1, 2012

As It Were

It is 9:03 pm. My mind and body are terribly fatigued. It is evening; naturally, I want to sleep. A normal mind/body would be able to sleep. But my POTSy body is not a normal body. And here's how you see the neurological dysfunction at work: I have had no restorative sleep in three days. Even with my sleep medication, I cannot rest.I am up all hours of the night and perhaps fall asleep at 6 am, get up to take meds at 10, and fall back asleep until noon. It's a max of six hours of sleep, when I know I should have twelve. It's painful. I'm in pain. My thoughts are all fuzzy and it's hard to think straight. Such is POTS.

But I am not afraid. And that's what's different about this time around. I'm in pain, but I'm not experiencing fear. I do not feel I am in danger. That immediate sense of panic years ago when I couldn't breathe, when we were thinking about calling the doctor, or going to the emergency room, that anxiety is not there. My blood pressure is low (82/58), but I'm not monitoring it like crazy. Things get lonely and difficult and sure, I get cranky. But I know this is how it goes. I'm adapting back into this routine. Does it suck? Yes. Am I learning a gazillion life lessons? You betcha.

I love audiobooks! And sea lions. And I'm not making sense anymore. Later, gators. Seal ya later. pff haa.


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