Thoughts

Article on POTS featured in the New York Times...and a POTSy's response.

I'm doing great. Birthday joy. Took a couple days this weekend to nurse a cold, and now I'm right as rain. Driving all by myself. Getting stuff done. Making plans. Enjoying the beautiful weather. It all feels a little unreal.

Today I ran into Alternate Universe Emma. She never crosses my mind anymore. I used to keep a mental map of where I'd be if I were her. But I got rid of that map last year-- a breakthrough to say the least. I'm happy with where I'm at, and I'm seeing more and more a sense of purpose in my being sick and all the struggles that went/go along with it. Alternate Universe Emma doesn't exist. I thought I got rid of her.

But when you catch up with someone for the first time in four years, you see through their eyes that old version of yourself. And you see the college senior that they've become, you hear the language you might've been using yourself. Internship. Student teaching. Studied abroad. Graduation. GRE. Certification. Job offer. Starting salary. Dating. Master's. Engaged. Moving.

I think it's the time warp that gets me most. Yes, chronologically, I understand I am twenty-one. But my 21 is still like...18. And my 18-year-old self predicted my 21-year-old self would be an accomplished musician and scholar and whatever else.

And I'm not. And I'm okay with it. I'm genuinely content, fulfilled even, where I am today. I love ESL. I love Snowball. I love church-hopping. I'm not a college student. I'm humbled. I'm okay.

But Alternate Universe Emma is not okay with it. She would've wanted the GPA, the degree, the recommendation to direct a prestigious youth choir. She had a four-year plan. She had a four-year plan, and it failed! She failed!

Maybe I'm rambling.

Maybe I still have a little to grieve.

Maybe it's too easy to try and compare myself to my peers, to my old expectations of myself.

Hm. Food for thought.

carrot cake,
emma