As It Were

It is 9:03 pm. My mind and body are terribly fatigued. It is evening; naturally, I want to sleep. A normal mind/body would be able to sleep. But my POTSy body is not a normal body. And here's how you see the neurological dysfunction at work: I have had no restorative sleep in three days. Even with my sleep medication, I cannot rest.I am up all hours of the night and perhaps fall asleep at 6 am, get up to take meds at 10, and fall back asleep until noon. It's a max of six hours of sleep, when I know I should have twelve. It's painful. I'm in pain. My thoughts are all fuzzy and it's hard to think straight. Such is POTS.

But I am not afraid. And that's what's different about this time around. I'm in pain, but I'm not experiencing fear. I do not feel I am in danger. That immediate sense of panic years ago when I couldn't breathe, when we were thinking about calling the doctor, or going to the emergency room, that anxiety is not there. My blood pressure is low (82/58), but I'm not monitoring it like crazy. Things get lonely and difficult and sure, I get cranky. But I know this is how it goes. I'm adapting back into this routine. Does it suck? Yes. Am I learning a gazillion life lessons? You betcha.

I love audiobooks! And sea lions. And I'm not making sense anymore. Later, gators. Seal ya later. pff haa.

emma

Wee Hours

Oh dumb POTS. It is 3:24 am. Shrug. Listening to music, scoffing at journalists with whom I disagree, considering an attempt at spring cleaning.

et recommends:
Movies: Win Win; happythankyoumoreplease
Documentary: Saving Face
TV Special: Frozen Planet
Interesting New Series: Touch

latest obsession: upcycling

It's an umbrella that she turned into a skirt! Magic! Earth-friendly! :)

Hope you all are well.
emma

“The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new lands but seeing with new eyes.”

—	Marcel Proust

Diet

On my menu:

• Saltines
• Vegetable Broth*
• Plain Rice Krispies
• Apple sauce
• Plain noodles (w/ EVOO)
• Eggs
• White toast
• White rice
• Soy sauce*
• Salt* (lots)
• Pickles*
• Graham crackers
• Honey
• Bananas
• Ginger ale
• Chocolate Ensure (with Lactaid pill)
• Water (lots)

*denotes excellent source of sodium
Sure,  it's limited, it's bland, but there are lots of ways to be creative within my vegetarian nauseous POTSy diet. Anything more complicated than these items upsets my stomach and leads to a lot of abdominal pain.

Everything is up-and-down. Weather changes; so do I. Wish I were asleep at this hour. We'll get there.

peace,
emma

Getting By

Mental fatigue has set in. Nothing is quite clear. An hour after waking, dream-drunk confusion persists, mocking my thoughts. All day I feel emotionally numb. My memory loss stings worst when I find myself startled at the sound of my own voice, as if I hadn't thought that thought in ages.

My mom came across an excellent blog: potsrecovery.com (check it out!). This woman completed a rigorous three-month exercise program created by her doctor, and well, I'll let her results speak for themselves. I'm considering trying this out. Eh. Ow. Brain. Need a break.

peace,
emma

Inspire & Entertain

Favorite song from my favorite album of the moment. "Keep our eyeeees... wide open."

Favorite commercial:


Favorite choir in the world:


dance aroumd,
emma

Don't fret

I want you to know that I am at peace. Joy lives in my heart and I am surrounded by calm. Secure, mellow, content, assured. I have never felt so open in my life. I am at peace.

So please do not be sad or afraid when I tell you my POTS is back. Ten days ago, fatigue set in. Then tremors, loss of taste/smell, mild heart palpitations, inability to read for any extended amount of time, etc. Healthy to POTSy in 24 hours. Why now? A medical professional's best guess would be that a bug I'd been fighting for a couple weeks triggered something. Or it could be that God is awesome and having me face my demons again, to prove what I've learned.

Either way, I'm barely functioning. Freak out? Nah, no prob. Just make a few calls: quit my job, drop my classes, cancel the leadership retreat, and let go of that nasty "planning" habit. Check. Done. No guilt, no anxiety. Simplify. Shrug. Love yourself more. Value your health -- physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. Seek peace. Seek balance.

I don't feel defeated because, well, I'm not. This is my next challenge, the one that pushes me back out of my comfort zone again, out of the driver's seat and back to bed. Back to sibling talks and hours meditating and long nights, such as this, when I can't sleep, and am so grateful for silence.

My mood is serene, blissful, expectant, courageous. I can't control anyone's feelings but my own, yet may I make a suggestion? Do not worry on my behalf. Do not grieve the semester's "failure." Do not get your undies in a bundle over some conundrum that, to me, scarcely exists! I am adapting. I have faith. I am not afraid. I will be fine.

Besides, it's high time I compose the school anthem for the Emma Trevor Institute of Thought and Design. Jolly good tune, you'll see. :-)

emma

Time flies, horseflies, elephant flies

Dear God,
I don't know how or why you do it. Yeah. Wow. Thanks.

I posted on January 1 that I was looking for a job. January 2, 7:30 a.m., phone rings. Two days later, started working part-time for a family nearby.  My charges are two middle school girls whose home life has seen its share of trouble. Money was my original motivator, but I'm gaining enormous perspective on life and childhood. I frequently doubt my abilities to handle what they're going through, but if nothing else, I can be a healthy role model.

Health and psych classes are going swimmingly. First test tomorrow. Topic: stress management. Woo-hoo! Diaphragmatic breathing rocks!

Due to work/school, family obligations, and need for rest/sleep, I have not been able to participate in ESL at all this semester. Big sad face. I miss that community so much. I would much rather be there than in my own classes. Alas, it's something I can go back to, right? Little sniffle. Mustn't dwell on the subject.

Church hopping is fun! I love connecting with people and not knowing whether I'll ever see them again. It makes you seize the moment, you know? Compliment that 8-year-old's sparkly purple lip gloss. It'll make her day. And I may hop there again sometime soon. :)

peace and chamomile tea,
emma